What gay man hasn't stood naked in the mirror
going over every inch of his body with an overly critical eye, probably not
liking what he sees very much?
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| By Robert Naylor |
A new gray hair. A little line that just might turn
into a wrinkle. Oh my god, a zit! Love handles. Belly. Too much hair. Too
little hair. Endowment that's too small. It's enough to drive most of us over
the edge … or at least to a gym in a futile search for perfection.
If you've never gone through any of this, you're
in the minority. Many of those guys whose amazing physiques we envy see the
same thing when they look in the mirror that the rest of us do:
imperfection.
Gay men frequently lament that our culture is
not only youth
obsessed – as American society in general seems to be – but looks
obsessed as well.
Barney Frank, the openly gay former congressman
from Massachusetts, recently made a backhanded joke about gay men fixating over
their bodies when discussing fallen Illinois Congressman Aaron Schock, saying Schock “spent entirely too much time in the gym for a straight man.” The 33-year-old
Schock resigned effective March 31 amid questions about his lavish spending
habits. But he was equally well known for displaying his toned body, revealing
nearly perfect pecs and abs through an open shirt on the March 2011 cover of Men's Health magazine.
The three-term conservative Republican’s sexual orientation
remains the subject of gossip. But same-gender loving men – whether out or
still struggling with sexual identify – frequently wrestle with the whole issue of body
image.
Some scientific studies suggest that gay men tend to be less
satisfied with their bodies and tend to be at greater risk for eating disorders
compared to heterosexual men. Some studies indicate the level of eating
disorders among gay men is approaching that for women, although the prevalence
of eating disorders among all men – regardless of sexual orientation – is on
the rise. It is especially true for men who have been overweight at some point.
A significant, extensive 2012 study
revealed that symptoms related to eating disorders were 10 times higher among
gay and bisexual men than in heterosexual men.
The same study said excessive exercise – or anorexia athleticism
– is a frequent behavior among men who have an eating disorder. And it
suggested that gay and bisexual men are less likely than straight men to work
out purely for health benefits, with looks often playing a significant role.
This isn’t to suggest for a moment that you should not watch
what you eat or that you should not exercise. You should. And of course you
should care about your looks. How you groom and dress yourself is often an indicator of self-image and self esteem and taken alone do not equate to narcissism. But when you look in the mirror, what do you see; someone to be objectified by other men, or perhaps rejected by them?
Some research shows that men in general are naturally more
visually stimulated than women (which is why we like huge, flat-panel high
definition televisions regardless of our sexual orientation). As such, men tend to put a higher premium on looks than women do. Because it’s intrinsic, these
studies suggest, it is not necessarily superficial.
Gay men have segregated ourselves into all kinds of categories
based on such things as ethnicity, age, size and looks, some of which can affect self-image. Being desired
is a basic human craving, no matter our outward appearance. We all want others to be
attracted to us, whether the appeal is platonic, spiritual or sexual. And
trying to capture the attention of a potential mate – or just the hot guy on
the other side of a coffee shop – is natural.
The real question is, when you look in the mirror how do you
feel about the man looking back at you?
Do respect him? Do you value his
feelings? Do you take care of his needs on more than a superficial level? Do
you feed and nurture his mind, body and soul? Do you tell his truth? Do you
accept him for who he is? Do you hold him accountable for his lapses in
judgment? Do you forgive him for his mistakes? Do you spend quality time
with him? Do you protect him? Do you trust him? Do you allow him to be himself?
When you look in the mirror, do you love the man who’s
looking back at you?
Robert Naylor is an independent consultant and certified life
coach with experience as a corporate executive and in private practice. His
work with gay men includes career and professional development, interpersonal
communication and interaction, sexual orientation in work
and family environments, coming out, self-image, relationships, and intimacy. He works with individuals, couples and groups. He is a member of the
Gay Coaches Alliance, the International Coach Federation, and the Association for Talent Development. Contact
Robert for additional information. Follow his posts specific to gay men on
Facebook and find out more about his work with gay men via the
Coaching for Gay Men web site. Find out more about his work on leadership, workplace issues, and professional development at his
Naylor Coaching web site,
Even so,
many of us feel tolerated rather than accepted and openly LGBT people continue
to
